And how recognizing it can create space for deeper connection

Photo by who you can find on Instagram at emilyeverywhere

For many years I didn’t see how a spiritual practice could be anything but positive. I came to spiritual teachings and practices with hope and an open mind. There was also a sense of desperation, as well: well, this might not save me but it isn’t going to hurt. Like so many of us, I wanted—needed—to believe there was more to life. Spirituality helped me to create a life with meaning and purpose. It also helped to ease the existential dread that led me to live in a perpetual state of anxiety and unease.

So, are there any risks in…

Are they emotionally unavailable or is it something deeper?

Photo by Charlie Foster on Unsplash

I may not have an avoidant attachment style but I have definitely dated my fair share of avoidant partners. If you have an anxious attachment style, there is a natural and strong attraction to those with an avoidant one, and a good chance you, too, have fallen for someone with this attachment style.

For many years I thought that those that I was attracted to were simply not “emotionally available,” and I held a lot of resentment towards them and their inability or unwillingness to connect. …

What shyness is and why I’m ready to accept it

Photo by Francisco Gonzalez on Unsplash

Anyone who was or is shy has probably heard, somewhere along the way, that being shy is far from ideal and is something to be fixed. Just the other day I googled “books on shyness” and was disappointed to find that almost all of the books that I found (with the exception of Susan Cain’s book called Quiet) were about how to overcome or even triumph over your shyness.

This didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t want to know how to fix it, I wanted to understand it. Where does it come from? Why—after nearly a decade of learning…

According to this theory, we have 3 categories of inner “parts”

Photo by May on Unsplash

Do you ever have moments where you feel completely disconnected from yourself? As if there are parts of you that emerge that feel strange and unfamiliar—not quite in line with who you are at the core.

These parts might come out in the throws of a fight with a partner, or when you come face-to-face with your “last straw” after an especially challenging day. These parts say the things that you later regret, or stay silent when you have something important to say. …

Can you surrender to the chaos of love?

Photo of Marcel Williams by IG: emilyeverywhere

I’ll never forget one of my greatest “aha” moments—one that came to me during a fight with my current partner. I remember the exact moment: we were driving in his truck, our typical route from his place to mine, and we were fighting.

It was probably one of those times where I demanded “take me home,” all while secretly hoping he would beg for me to stay. The fact we were in the car meant my tactic had failed. …

The red flags and why I stayed

Photo by Joe Shields on Unsplash

I’ve dated some men that have been “the worst” in ways that are comical and lighthearted. You know the stories that leave people in long-term relationships with a renewed sense of love for their partner? These are dating experiences that would make great material for stand-up comedy, or at the very least, that are sure to entertain our friends.

Experiences of wild incompatibility and mismatched expectations, or perhaps the infamous ghost, are ones that most of us have first-hand experience with. They are undoubtedly unpleasant to experience but they are an avoidable part of dating for most of us.


Differentiation—what it is and why it is important

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

“We tell ourselves that intimacy (and marriage) takes two people who are willing to work at it-but, unfortunately, we rarely have the slightest inkling of our “job” assignments in this project.” —David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage

My first decade of dating I had no idea what was wrong with me. I came to accept that I was clingy, jealous, and dependent. This was not a pleasant acceptance and it came with a bucket of shame. It is why I had a tendency to instead blame my partner for my unfavourable traits. …

How this attachment style shows up in our relationships

Photo by who you can find on Instagram at emilyeverywhere

The disorganized attachment style is the most complicated and difficult to understand of the human attachment styles. Only 7% of the population fall into this group, whereas 20% of the population tend to be anxious and another 20% avoidant. It might be relatively rare, but 7% of the population means chances are we will connect with people who have this attachment adaptation at some point in our lives.

Those with a disorganized attachment adaptation most likely (though not always) experienced trauma early in their lives. This pattern can develop when someone grows up afraid of their parent or caregiver. There…

#2. You take 100% responsibility for your reality

Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash

For many years, I didn’t know what a conscious relationship was. I thought that relationships were relationships and if they didn’t work out, it was probably the other person’s fault. If it wasn’t the other person’s fault, it was just not “meant to be.” I didn’t think relationships required conscious effort and work—if it was the right relationship, shouldn’t it be easy?

Learning about conscious relationships helped me understand what it was I wanted from my relationships. In the book Conscious Loving, Gay and Kathlyn speak to co-commitment as the goal of a conscious relationship, which is when:

“Two or…

What is really beneath the emotional unavailability?

Photo taken in Newfoundland, Canada by | Instagram emilyeverywhere

There is a tendency to swear off dating those with an avoidant attachment style. After all, isn’t emotional availability a prerequisite to a loving and healthy relationship? For someone with a secure or anxious attachment style, it can be hard to understand why someone would avoid closeness. Isn’t that what love is all about?

Looking at the two different avoidant attachment styles can help us to develop a deeper understanding of avoidant attachment and the ways it shows up in our adult relationships.

It is not as simple as someone choosing to be emotionally unavailable and independent, looking down on…

Casey A.

I’m just trying to learn as much as I can when I’m here. I also like to write about it. I write mostly about love, relationships, attachment, and consciousness.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store