Are they emotionally unavailable or is it something deeper?
I may not have an avoidant attachment style but I have definitely dated my fair share of avoidant partners. If you have an anxious attachment style, there is a natural and strong attraction to those with an avoidant one, and a good chance you, too, have fallen for someone with this attachment style.
For many years I thought that those that I was attracted to were simply not “emotionally available,” and I held a lot of resentment towards them and their inability or unwillingness to connect. …
And how they get in the way of love
The first time I read about the concept of conscious relationships I felt a mixture of hope and despair. For one, it allowed me to believe that it was possible to have a relationship that is healthy, safe, and even supports growth and inspires creativity. On the other hand, the state of my current relationships was so far from the definition of “conscious” that I felt a wave of shame wash over me.
Learning I was the definition of “unconscious” when it came to love felt like a punch in the gut. It was also a wake up call to begin untangling unhealthy patterns and to begin imagining what love could look like if I took responsibility for how I was showing up in my relationships. …
“Your heart was broken, but your life was changing…”
“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing…” Elizabeth Gilbert
What I remember most about my last life-changing heartbreak is the feeling I had walking into it. We met at a park on my way home from work on a warm, sunny August afternoon. I felt light, hopeful, and relieved that my partner and I had moved through a rough patch and were experiencing newfound ease in our relationship.
I had no idea what was about to hit me. …
Books from my 2020 reading list that left me in tears
“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.”
― James Baldwin
I am incredibly thankful for the books I read in 2020 that helped me transport me to a different world. …
Are you going to have to work for love?
I can’t count how many times I’ve scoured the internet for answers about my relationships. Probably the most common question I’ve posed to google is this: signs my relationship is over. Anyone else turned to google to confirm something they already knew?
Sometimes my truth was buried deep beneath my fears and expectations, but if I were able to be uncomfortably honest with myself, my intuition always knew what was best for me. …
Perspective Piece
Any sense of superiority was shattered
I thought that I was selfless — at least, for the most part — until I adopted a dog. Since then, the reality has hit me and it is painfully clear that I am definitely more selfish than selfless. This realization feels a bit like a smack in the face because I’ve always wanted, or needed, to be a good human and in my mind, part of this meant being selfless. It sounds ridiculous in retrospect, but I really thought that this was enough to allow for me to care for anyone, and to be a good mom.
The Dunning-Kruger effect, a cognitive bias which leads us to overestimate our abilities, was definitely at play here. The days leading up to bringing Otis home I felt confident in my above average abilities to care for an animal despite my lack of experience and knowledge. There I was on my pedestal, thinking that I would be a great dog mom, that it would be easy, and everything I thought it would be. Ha! I wish I could go back in time and give myself a sarcastic pat on the back and whisper, “get off your high horse.” …
Non-monogamy inspired me to confront my jealousy in the search for freedom
“I’m way too jealous to be non-monogamous” is something I’ve heard from many people in my life when I bring up the idea of non-monogamy. For some, there is something about just the thought of their partner having feelings for someone else that shuts down the idea before contemplation begins. I used to be one of those people. Even just the thought of non-monogamy was enough to make me squirm.
I look back and can see that if it wasn’t for my jealousy, I may have never considered practicing ethical non-monogamy in the first place. It was my jealousy that led me to re-evaluate what I had been calling love for so many years. The fears that lay beneath my jealousy were getting in the way of finding a relationship that was safe and secure, and non-monogamy provided an opportunity to face those fears head-on. …
Knowledge for healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The theory of attachment was developed by John Bowlby in his attempt to understand what was happening when babies were separated from their caregivers. Bowlby observed three attachment patterns through his studies: secure (60%), anxious-resistant (20% of less), and avoidant (about 20%). Later research showed that the bond we develop with adult romantic partners works on the same motivational system — the attachment behavioural system — meaning it looks a lot like the attachment styles Bowlby observed with infants and their caregivers.
The human attachment system can help us make connections between our current romantic situation and our patterns when it comes to love and dating. When you are reading about the three types, however, it is important to consider that it’s early experiences that lay the wiring for our attachment behavioural system. For some, looking into our childhoods can be painful and uncomfortable, so be gentle with this exploration and know it is okay to not go there if it doesn’t feel right for you. …
We’ve all heard it before — but is it serving us?
I think back to all of the advice I’ve been given over the years about love and I can’t help but feel deceived. Wisdom is passed down to us in many forms and when it comes to love, it finds its way to us in bad clichés: love means never having to say you’re sorry, love will set you free, love is blind. …
These co-founders share how you can make friendship your greatest asset.
Have you ever heard the advice that you should never go into business with a friend? It’s best to keep our business and personal lives separate and avoid the infamous scene where you find out your business partner has screwed you over and taken all of your money. Only, we spend the majority of our waking hours at work and I don’t know about you, but I like to spend my time with people I genuinely like to be around. Going into business with a friend sounds like a good idea to me — or, is it?
I’ve been watching my two friends grow a business for the past few years and have been inspired and intrigued by how the two of them have managed to do what 90% startups fail to do — succeed. On top of that, they broke the unspoken rule of not mixing friendship with business and it seems to be serving them exceedingly well. I’ve been wondering what it is about them that has led to their success, so I sat down with both of them separately in an attempt to find out. …
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