I may not have an avoidant attachment style but I have definitely dated my fair share of avoidant partners. If you have an anxious attachment style, there is a natural and strong attraction to those with an avoidant one, and a good chance you, too, have fallen for someone with this attachment style.

For many years I thought that those that I was attracted to were simply not “emotionally available,” and I held a lot of resentment towards them and their inability or unwillingness to connect. …

I’ve dated some men that have been “the worst” in ways that are comical and lighthearted. You know the stories that leave people in long-term relationships with a renewed sense of love for their partner? These are dating experiences that would make great material for stand-up comedy, or at the very least, that are sure to entertain our friends.

Experiences of wild incompatibility and mismatched expectations, or perhaps the infamous ghost, are ones that most of us have first-hand experience with. They are undoubtedly unpleasant to experience but they are an avoidable part of dating for most of us.

This…

“We tell ourselves that intimacy (and marriage) takes two people who are willing to work at it-but, unfortunately, we rarely have the slightest inkling of our “job” assignments in this project.” —David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage

My first decade of dating I had no idea what was wrong with me. I came to accept that I was clingy, jealous, and dependent. This was not a pleasant acceptance and it came with a bucket of shame. It is why I had a tendency to instead blame my partner for my unfavourable traits. …

The disorganized attachment style is the most complicated and difficult to understand of the human attachment styles. Only 7% of the population fall into this group, whereas 20% of the population tend to be anxious and another 20% avoidant. It might be relatively rare, but 7% of the population means chances are we will connect with people who have this attachment adaptation at some point in our lives.

Those with a disorganized attachment adaptation most likely (though not always) experienced trauma early in their lives. This pattern can develop when someone grows up afraid of their parent or caregiver. There…

For many years, I didn’t know what a conscious relationship was. I thought that relationships were relationships and if they didn’t work out, it was probably the other person’s fault. If it wasn’t the other person’s fault, it was just not “meant to be.” I didn’t think relationships required conscious effort and work—if it was the right relationship, shouldn’t it be easy?

Learning about conscious relationships helped me understand what it was I wanted from my relationships. In the book Conscious Loving, Gay and Kathlyn speak to co-commitment as the goal of a conscious relationship, which is when:

“Two or…

There is a tendency to swear off dating those with an avoidant attachment style. After all, isn’t emotional availability a prerequisite to a loving and healthy relationship? For someone with a secure or anxious attachment style, it can be hard to understand why someone would avoid closeness. Isn’t that what love is all about?

Looking at the two different avoidant attachment styles can help us to develop a deeper understanding of avoidant attachment and the ways it shows up in our adult relationships.

It is not as simple as someone choosing to be emotionally unavailable and independent, looking down on…

There is a natural attraction between those with an anxious and those with an avoidant attachment style. You might think that this is one of nature’s cruel tricks. There is no one more triggering to an anxiously attached person than someone avoidant. There is similarly no one who can push an avoidant person’s buttons quite like someone with an anxious attachment stye.

I still remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when the topic of attachment came up on my second date with my current partner. We found out that he was avoidant and I was anxious. It was an…

If you have an anxious or ambivalent attachment style, I don’t have to tell you how stressful love can be. We are all worthy of love, but for those of us who are anxious, it can be hard to believe that we are lovable. Being in a relationship when you are anxious can be a far cry from the safe and secure experience we all hope for.

I remember often feeling as though I “had it all together” when I was single. I would feel confident and in control of my anxiety — positive that I was finally ready for…